What a cool opportunity that Jodi and I had this weekend. She has shared life with a close group of friends since her school days and we have all shared in one another’s lives…to one degree or another. This weekend, one of her friends was married and two households became one.
The ceremony was quite intimate. In fact, it was pretty much
family and a few select friends. As the couple stood facing one another, the
officiating pastor shared a single truth…love is the key to a successful
marriage. I began to consider that nugget of advice and think about how
true it was. After all, Jodi and I have been together since high school and
thirty-one of those years have been in marriage.
Let me say that I agree with the advice but add a qualifier:
Love IS the key…but love is a verb, not a noun. I think
sometimes people treat love like a noun. I showed you my love. I fell in
love. Our love disappeared. We used to be in love. You get
the idea…
In reality, love (as given as an ingredient for a successful
marriage) is a verb. It is an action, not an object. “Husbands
LOVE your wife like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33).” Love is
not something you find or something you possess…it is something you do. Love is
challenging…because not everyone is always loveable. Marriage is not easy,
but it is rewarding when two people work at it. Marriage is about changing. God
uses the attributes of your spouse to change you…to shape you…to grow you…and
to perfect you. You spouse is part of the “all things” that God works together
for good (Romans 8:28).
Here is good news. You may be thinking… “I have missed it. My
chance at love has gone away.” Not so! It is as close as your next
decision to love (verb) one another. You control whether you will love and so
does your mate.
So, if you are looking to step into the arena of marriage and you hope for great happiness in it …don’t look to fall into love; rather, choose to love. Love fiercely. Love tenaciously. Fight for love. Pursue your beloved. If you need a good model…look to God who SO LOVED you that He sent His Son to purchase your redemption (John 3:16-17). Look at His adoptive love with which He loved you and made you a son or daughter (1 John 3:1). Love (verb) like that…and success in marriage is nearly guaranteed.
Today, Jodi and I celebrate our 30-year Anniversary. It is an amazing thing to look back on three decades, two children…homes in six states and two countries…and various job and business pursuits. Two teenagers from Upstate South Carolina…in love…setting out on a course ‘til death we do part. After 30 years, let me say to you with some degree of experience…Love isn’t enough.
.
I know it seems like a weird thing to say. I love Jodi and she loves me…now more than ever before, BUT love isn’t enough. In our world today, we want to tap into some sentimental source of power that says love conquers all and if you love one another, nothing else matters. I am not certain we really believe that. After all, I am fond of living indoors and eating meals…especially eating. Love is important…and love INFORMS our actions…but love alone would not result in 3+ decades of marriage.
Here are twelve things that I think are essential…and perhaps this list will be a help to you as well:
A commitment to serve one another. A good marriage is about what you bring to the table, not what you want to get out of it. Christ is the example. There is no better servant than my wife…bar none…anywhere.
A humility that demands death to self-interest. This is related to serving but speaks more deeply to the motivation. Spouse > Self.
A commitment to Covenant. God designed marriage to “image” (though we do it imperfectly) His covenant commitment to His people. The promise we made in 1988 was to one another and to God. We have no right to quit on the promise.
Laugh…especially at yourself. Yep, life is too funny to be serious all the time. Laugh at yourself and with one another.
Don’t stop pursuing. We tell couples this all the time. Apathy is a killer in marriage. Be IN THE HUNT! Hey sir…if you know more about the patterns of deer on your game-cam or preferences of fish in your favorite fishin’ hole than you know about your wife…you’re doing it wrong.
Listen…a lot.
Say “I’m sorry” a lot…and forgive quickly. You blow it. She does too, but not nearly as frequently. Apologize immediately…and forgive as Christ forgave you.
Unmitigated respect. My wife is amazing at edification. She never exposes my deficiencies to her friends or others. She speaks well of me to others. If she has a complaint (and I give her tons of material), she brings it to me. We acknowledge that neither of us are perfect but we don’t lay out the laundry piece by piece. That honors me.
A common purpose. Pursue something together. Build to the future as a couple. Don’t run individual roads that occasionally cross. Choose a road together. Run in your lane but work it together and enjoy the victory together. This starts with your common faith pursuit but certainly doesn’t end there.
Think generations, not decades or years. Jodi and I are interested in how we can influence our grandchildren’s grandchildren.
Rehearse the journey and share the lessons. When we get to invest in other couples, we re-tell the stories of wins, losses, and lessons learned. Each time…my faith is strengthened.
Remind yourself and your spouse often, after God, she is NUMBER 1. She must not be forced to compete with hobbies, jobs, the kiddos or the phone. Anything that is a rival to her, must be forsaken.
How did you make it thirty years? Because God is gracious and Jodi is godly. If I had to depend on her love for me alone, I would never have made it through my childish Army days. The greater question is how will we make it the next thirty and the thirty after that if the Lord gives us that many days. One day at a time, loving passionately and intentionally…and trying to give attention to these things.
Today, Jodi and I celebrate our 30-year Anniversary. It is an amazing thing to look back on three decades, two children…homes in six states and two countries…and various job and business pursuits. Two teenagers from Upstate South Carolina…in love…setting out on a course ‘til death we do part. After 30 years, let me say to you with some degree of experience…Love isn’t enough.
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