Happy Valentine’s Day! To many, this is a Hallmark holiday…a great opportunity to sell greeting cards and to clear out inventories of stuffed animals, flowers, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. For others, it is a day of pressure…pressure to get everything right. Face it…dating can involve a certain degree of pressure. Still, for others, Valentine’s Day is one more opportunity to simply express our undying devotion to the love of our lives.
Reflecting a bit on the occasion, I began to reminisce on
how Valentine’s Day has shifted for me over the years and then consider the
implication of that shift on the greatest of all love relationships.
In elementary school, Valentine’s Day was a class party day. Prior to the mid-February observance, teachers would distribute a list of names for all of the children in the class. Then mom would run to the store, purchase a box of colorful cards and we would write down names on each card and each envelope so that everyone received a gift.
As I got older, the list shrunk…significantly. While I don’t
recall ever doing so, it is possible that the list of Valentine’s greetings
dropped to only a couple of closer friends…in hopes that maybe one of them
would be my valentine for the day. (I imagine this to be the era of passing
notes that said, “Do you like me? Check YES or NO.”)
Once I found my Valentine (who has been so for more than thirty-five years now) the audience shrunk to one. She is it. Period. It even feels weird to wish others a happy Valentine’s day. I only have one…and while I have many names for her, Jodi is the one and only love for me.
Thinking of this today, I realized that there is an analogy as well for the Lord and His church. When we are “dating” God…He is a good option for the object of our faith. Still, though, there are other kids in the class. There is self-effort. There is personal commitment. There is that god that my neighbor relates to. We are familiar with all of these, perhaps like one better than the other, but we want to keep our options open; so, we give valentine cards to all of them. As we come to mature a bit, it becomes clear that a God is not an option for a prom date or a Valentine’s dinner. We either lock in on our devotion, or He simply moves aside. He never shares the throne room of our hearts with anyone else.
Often, this approach reveals itself in our relationship with our church community as well. We like to date several communities. We have one community for worship, another community for bible-study down the street, and a third community where our kids’ friends go. Each of these communities offers us something, and we like them, but none of them possess our whole heart.
Should they? Does God really expect that we would be
committed to One God, one church, and one person for our lives?
I would argue…YES. I would do so because there is an inherent benefit to both parties in a relationship. Yes, I may really like my group of friends that I meet for weekly bible study, but I don’t really do life with them. I do bible-study. For my corporate worship, I am dating another church. I support another church financially and, when I want to chill out in shorts and flops during the summer, I have a relationship with the online church or the group that meets nearby. In each of these cases, my good intentions seem helpful to me…but they still fall a bit short of the design of relationship…where there is a strong MUTUAL benefit.
Time will tell but the trends are already tipping this
direction: Our “dating” practice is actually shaping an eroding foundation of
commitment in the generation we are discipling. Yep. Our kids are learning that
dating is superior to devotion. Why have one committed relationship when we can
pick and choose the elements from several communities and form what we think is
best for us?
If our daughter announced to us this approach as her new
plan for personal relationships, we would be appalled. If our spouse exercised
this approach for emotional and physical intimacy, we would be destroyed; yet,
this is what we model for our most intimate of relationships…the eternal one!
Perhaps the erosion of faith convictions that we readily
point out around us has less to do with external pressures and far more to do
with loosely held commitments to spiritual monogamy.
Certainly, some hold in their heart a sense of wander. (Yes, wander, not wonder). There is a nagging sense that they may be missing out on the BEST by settling for what they presently POSSESS. Personally, I understand. I have seen this a lot through the years; however, the sense of wander has far less to do with what we might be missing and far more with what we are investing. See, spiritual monogamy (what I will prefer to call DEVOTION) is not boring or lacking. It is, at times, however, uncultivated. My satisfaction in relationships with my wife, my church, and my God have only grown exponentially since becoming EXCLUSIVE with them. That satisfaction has as much to do with what I bring to the relationship as it does with what I experience from the relationship.
How can we cultivate devotion in these three spheres?
Three words express the HOW To that is common with all three
spheres: our mate, our church, and our God.
COMMUNION. There is no substitute for intimacy and there is no pathway to intimacy apart from investing time. There must be vulnerability and transparency, and these only come as we learn to trust over time. Over the years I have seen this in my marriage, in the marriages that Jodi and I have invested in helping others, with church relationships, and with God. There is something that grows sweeter and deeper as we determine to get real, stay long, and risk hurt.
CONFESSION. In marriage, in church community, and with God…no one is perfect. We are failed creatures. We will say the wrong thing, neglect the important things, react wrongly, attack maliciously, and, at times, seek self preeminently. WHEN (not if) we do, the only cure is confession. Such occasions require our admission of failure, acknowledgment of the costs borne by others, and the pursuit of restoration. What NEVER WORKS, is to simply forget or to choose to start over. If the grass is greener somewhere else, there is simply a septic drain field underground nearby.
COMMITMENT. Neither of the previous two observations are possible without this final and all-important one. My wife would never have had the resolve to stick with my foolishness through the years without the commitment of June 25, 1988. On that day two kids pledged to actively love one another until death. We did not fully know the implications but we were committed to it and determined to figure it out as we went. The same is true with our relationship with God. He proposed…not with a ring but with a bloody cross (Romans 5:8). He invited us to commit and discover all that this new commitment implied in the context of an eternal relationship. Finally, the same is true of the church. Yep…the church. The Christian faith is a communal faith. We commit to community before we realize all of the faults and failures of everyone in the community. (Consequently, we do so before we disclose all of our stuff too). The commitment is made to one another and then we work out the implications together.
Well, Chris, I think I need to know more before I can make a commitment like that. Sure, I hear you. However, except for the finished work of Christ, there are no guarantees that you can perfectly “weigh out” the decision on. You won’t know who your spouse is until long after you marry him or her. In fact, if truth be told, you and your spouse won’t become who you are to be apart from the mutual influence and benefit of one another in your lives. Same with the church. And in some respects, the same with God. Yes, He is unchanging but you will change and in so doing, will come to recognize, appreciate, and love Him more deeply, passionately, intentionally, willfully, and fully as the years progress. None of this is even remotely possible in the dating zone.
So, stop dating and get devoted. Lock-in. Put a ring on it. Go exclusive and build something amazing…together.
I hear a version of this question periodically: “Does the Bible say I can’t do ___?” The fact that the question is asked encourages me. The person is acknowledging that there is a standard of right and wrong conduct with God, and he/she does not want to violate the standard.
Reading through Leviticus (as part of our church’s reading
plan) is a great reminder of this standard. Lev 23:22 commands God’s people that
when they reap the harvest, they are not to reap to the edge of the field and
they are not to gather the gleanings left behind on the first pass. These
things are to be left for the poor and the alien among them.
Lev 22:19-20 commands that any sacrifice brought to the Lord
must be an unblemished male. It cannot have a defect or it will not be accepted
on behalf of the worshipper.
In these two examples, the people are told what not to do.
They are even told why. While many people seek to live by similar standards
today, I want to suggest that they are less than what God intends for His
people.
In Mark 10:17-27, Jesus encounters the wealthy “ruler” of the people. Think of a mash-up between a religious scholar and a local government official. These guys interpreted the Law of Moses and set policy on applying it in the community. This man came to Jesus and affirmed all of the “thou shalt nots” he had abided by. I have not murdered, I have not stolen, I have not lied, etc. Jesus never chastised the man for keeping the Law. (NOTE: Some today will lecture a person who holds to a moral code. A man just yesterday dismissed the need to be part of a church when I asked him where he attended. He told me “the church was in Him.” IOW…there is no command for me to worship with a group of people on the Lord’s day. He was saying, in essence, “That’s not part of the deal for my Salvation. I asked Jesus into my heart”).
While Jesus did not chastise the ruler for keeping the Law,
He also did not leave the conversation there. “One thing you lack: go and sell
all your possessions and give to the poor and follow Me” (Mark 10:21). In this
statement…which I would suggest is exemplary of the teachings of the New
Testament, Jesus says that His followers have an AFFIRMATIVE DUTY to advance
Christ’s agenda in the world. It is not enough to not steal…we must generously
give. It is not enough to not lie (since we could do that by saying nothing). We
must speak the truth (in love and with humility). It is not enough to not murder.
We must promote abundant living.
The point is that the church (the family of Christ-followers) has the responsibility to advance the King’s agenda.
Reflect today on this:
I know you have not murdered your neighbor, but have you helped him live an abundant life?
I know you did not promote some wrong perspective of God, but how did you advance the right view?
I know you did not oppress the poor, but how did you act generously to provide for him/her?
The church (that’s us) was not called to play “prevent
defense” until we are taken up into heaven. We are charged to advance the ball,
step by step, until we reach the other end of the field.
“I believe that Sunday morning is for the gathering of
God’s people. Evangelism is what we want our people to do outside the walls.
Our time ‘inside’ is for our people to worship, be edified, and to be
encouraged.” While this statement is a “mash-up” in itself, a statement
like this can be heard around the table at times among preachers over coffee.
“I am preaching for the invitation every week. I am
looking for the lost guy, the distant guy, the displaced guy every week. Every
sermon. Every week! If I lead silent prayer, I am going to give an invitation
to respond.” Ok, maybe this statement appears a little embellished…but I
have heard its parts and the theme of it over and over through the years. I
have even said most of these!
So, which is it? Is the Sunday morning gathering for the
wayward or the worshipper? Is the goal to see the lost saved, or the saints
encouraged? I think the question itself obscures the correct answer because it
seeks an either/or response…rather than a both/and.
As such, let me briefly explain why I preach to unbelievers
every week. Let me first affirm that I believe that the church comes together
weekly, usually on Sunday, and does so for the purpose of worship, fellowship,
exhortation, encouragement and equipping. This is not in conflict with my
reasons below; rather, this sets the stage for them.
I preach to unbelievers on Sunday because they are there. In a church of any size, from four to forty-thousand, there is a good chance that someone listening has yet to truly yield to Jesus as Lord. Sometimes, this person is new. He or she was recently invited, dropped by, or happened among God’s people for some other reason. At other times, this unbeliever is religious and may even be a member. Perhaps he or she prayed a prayer at some point in the past but did not yield to Christ. He may have exclaimed “save me,” but like the “rich, young ruler,” he was unwilling to do what Christ required.
I preach to unbelievers on Sunday because sometimes God’s people act like it. My challenge to unbelievers is always that they would respond to the love of Christ displayed at Calvary’s cross and turn, by faith to Christ as Lord. That prescription is true and effective whether someone is on the “outside” of the family of faith…or is “eating swine snacks in the far country” of Christ’s kingdom. The answer for all rebels is to come to (or back to) Christ by faith.
I preach to unbelievers on Sunday because it trains other believers how to do it. Many small group leaders stand (or sit) and give a lesson to a group weekly. Where did they learn to do that? Sitting under a pastor in the worship gathering on Sunday! I have tried for years to teach these gifted leaders that a second sermon is not the call of the hour; rather, the small group environment is about conversation and application. Trying to change that behavior has always proven to be challenging because these precious teachers learned it honestly. I preach to unbelievers on Sunday so that God’s people will learn how to do so as well. I want them to present God’s truth faithfully, God’s love gracefully, God’s plan compassionately, and God’s call to respond winsomely.
Finally, I preach to unbelievers on Sunday because the gospel encourages the believer. When I talk about being far from God and God’s redemptive plan, I am reminded of my days choosing to live far from Him and how “He sought me, and bought me, with His redeeming blood.” When I find someone bored with the Gospel, I immediately know something is amiss. How do you get bored with your own birthday? When the gospel is proclaimed to the believer it elicits one hearty, worshipful response: AMEN!
Why this article? Well, I am immersed in the subject
presently…and it was on my heart. If you have thoughts, feel free to drop by,
chime in, and we can chat. As always, I’d appreciate your help in clicking
LIKE, sharing the article, or sharing a comment about it. This not only
encourages me; but, it also helps broaden the audience of those who may benefit
from it that don’t yet subscribe personally.
The life of a Christ-follower is one of community. Individuality is not part of the program. I know that in the West, and particularly in the United States, the value of individualism is romantic. We celebrate the Lone Ranger. We applaud the trailblazer. We resist accountable community.
Such was not the culture of the early church and it is not
the tone of the New Testament. In fact, the idea of individuality is often the
subject of warnings. There is great value in community.
Several brothers from by doctoral learning “community” (cohort) at SBTS
Somewhere along the way, people got the idea that matters of
faith were private matters. While faith is highly personal, it is never
private. We may confess sins privately, but we declare God’s forgiveness
publicly; and, at times, we confess those sins publicly within the
context of community (James 5:16) so that others will pray for us. This
provides for us the tool of accountability.
I suggested in a recent article that a small gender-exclusive group of believers, typically a close communion of 4-5 people who are committed to meeting regularly, reading the bible together and praying with one another is a powerful tool for spiritual growth. Those groups work best when they have these characteristics:
They are joined by invitation. There needs to be some chemistry (or at least potential for chemistry) if the group is to flourish. This is why I suggest that the first place to find people for this group is among existing circles…like a Connect Group. [Connect Groups are how my church organizes small group ministry].
They have a defined objective. Meeting to “hang out” may feel like an “organic” approach to community; however, it is its own version of stress-inducing. These communities should have an objective. We will meet to ____. I suggest that the reason to meet is to discuss insights from a Bible-reading plan that everyone in the group embraces.
They have a confidentiality ethic. As the group begins to discuss how the Scriptures “spoke” to them during the previous week, there will come a time when someone will share a personal or even private struggle with a stronghold or sin. This is not an act of WEAKNESS but of COURAGEOUS STRENGTH! I say that because I only do men’s groups (of course) and men are terrible about not wanting to share defects with one another. For honest and helpful sharing to occur, there must be a sense of trust that what is shared will “go to the grave” of those who hear it.
There must be an exit strategy. How do we get off the bus? In my experience, many of these groups default to an insular nature within a few weeks. As relationships grow and trust is confirmed…a band of brother (or sisters) is established. The easy thing is to stay together forever. This tool for spiritual growth can become stagnant at this point and ultimately loses missional effectiveness. It needs new blood. This is why I suggest only a “one-year” group. In fact, I recommend that the group form with a clear understanding that each member will identify 3-4 others during the year that they can begin meeting with when this group concludes. [Note: A group that concludes does not mean that friendships dissolve; rather, the multiplication of groups provides for increased friendships.]
If you are not part of a D-Group (which is what I call these
accountability communities) and would like some specifics on how to start one
(or perhaps join one), give me a call. I have some recommended resources that
will help you get started successfully.
If this year is to be a year of advancing in your development as a Christ-follower, you will NEED partners in an accountable community. CHOOSE now to take that step and I guarantee that when you look back at the end of the year, you will be blown away at what God does in your life!
In recent days I have shared about the power of routines/disciplines/habits. In many cases, routines are helpful (even if some might think them boring). Routines are simply tools that we employ to make sure that we accomplish those tasks most important to us.
Routines answer the question of “should I” when the drive to
do so is waning. Should I go to the gym today? Should I eat that? Should I
sleep through my alarm? Should I read my Bible today? Should I go to church
today? In these cases, the routine itself functions as a form of
accountability. However, this alone is insufficient for most of us, particularly
when we find ourselves in times of stress.
I promised a couple of days ago to share one of the most effective tools for finishing. If you really want to lose that ten pounds, run that half-marathon, or grow spiritually you truly need this tool. It can be embraced in a number of creative ways but without it…your chance of success drops by more than half. That tool is accountability.
We all resist accountability on some level. In fact, some people refuse to make a “new year’s resolution” because just writing it down provides some level of accountability. Instead, they just want to follow their feelings. Friend, my feelings lead me to raid the pantry at about 9 pm every night. My feelings order dessert. My feelings lead me to skip over the “Table of Nations” reading in Genesis or the genealogies in the Gospels. Feelings are terrible accountability partners.
Here’s a thought: If you are really going to grow spiritually this year, why not link up with 3-4 other men/women (I think gender-exclusive arrangements work best due to the way the Holy Spirit does His sanctifying work in our lives and because the similarities in thought processes among men and among women are pretty well established) and do it together? What we are talking about here is an agreement for 4-5 people to meet for 45 minutes to an hour a week, at a coffee shop, sandwich place, living room, dark alley (OK…maybe skip the dark alley) with an agenda of making sure everyone is staying true to the course?
If meeting together is tough due to schedules or geographic dispersion…FaceTime or group chats are good alternatives. One friend I know has set up a private Facebook Group with daily check-ins. While I think an in-person meeting is probably best, any of these alternatives are better than trying to hold yourself accountable to doing it alone.
Where do I find 3-4 others? I’d suggest asking 4 guys
in your small group (Connect Group) or that you know from another context who
are: (1) of like faith, (2) are reliable, and (3) have the same objective. In
my experience, many guys/gals are hungry for this kind of accountability and
connection; however, they are a little timid about the first step. Why not make
it easy for them and you take the initiative?
If you have other ideas on accountable partnerships like these I have described, I’d love to hear them. I’ll share more in the next post on how some of these groups have worked best for others. If you want to explore this further offline, just hit me up and we can chat.
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