Love Isn’t Enough…Reflecting on 30 years of Marriage

by | Jun 25, 2018 | discipleship, Faith, Marriage, pastor, Pastor's Reflections, Personal

Today, Jodi and I celebrate our 30-year Anniversary. It is an amazing thing to look back on three decades, two children…homes in six states and two countries…and various job and business pursuits. Two teenagers from Upstate South Carolina…in love…setting out on a course ‘til death we do part. After 30 years, let me say to you with some degree of experience…Love isn’t enough.

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I know it seems like a weird thing to say. I love Jodi and she loves me…now more than ever before, BUT love isn’t enough. In our world today, we want to tap into some sentimental source of power that says love conquers all and if you love one another, nothing else matters. I am not certain we really believe that. After all, I am fond of living indoors and eating meals…especially eating. Love is important…and love INFORMS our actions…but love alone would not result in 3+ decades of marriage.

 

 

 

Here are twelve things that I think are essential…and perhaps this list will be a help to you as well:

  • A commitment to serve one another. A good marriage is about what you bring to the table, not what you want to get out of it. Christ is the example. There is no better servant than my wife…bar none…anywhere.
  • A humility that demands death to self-interest. This is related to serving but speaks more deeply to the motivation. Spouse > Self.
  • A commitment to Covenant. God designed marriage to “image” (though we do it imperfectly) His covenant commitment to His people. The promise we made in 1988 was to one another and to God. We have no right to quit on the promise.
  • Laugh…especially at yourself. Yep, life is too funny to be serious all the time. Laugh at yourself and with one another.
  • Don’t stop pursuing. We tell couples this all the time. Apathy is a killer in marriage. Be IN THE HUNT! Hey sir…if you know more about the patterns of deer on your game-cam or preferences of fish in your favorite fishin’ hole than you know about your wife…you’re doing it wrong.
  • Listen…a lot.
  • Say “I’m sorry” a lot…and forgive quickly. You blow it. She does too, but not nearly as frequently. Apologize immediately…and forgive as Christ forgave you.
  • Unmitigated respect. My wife is amazing at edification. She never exposes my deficiencies to her friends or others. She speaks well of me to others. If she has a complaint (and I give her tons of material), she brings it to me. We acknowledge that neither of us are perfect but we don’t lay out the laundry piece by piece. That honors me.
  • A common purpose. Pursue something together. Build to the future as a couple. Don’t run individual roads that occasionally cross. Choose a road together. Run in your lane but work it together and enjoy the victory together. This starts with your common faith pursuit but certainly doesn’t end there.
  • Think generations, not decades or years. Jodi and I are interested in how we can influence our grandchildren’s grandchildren.
  • Rehearse the journey and share the lessons. When we get to invest in other couples, we re-tell the stories of wins, losses, and lessons learned. Each time…my faith is strengthened.
  • Remind yourself and your spouse often, after God, she is NUMBER 1. She must not be forced to compete with hobbies, jobs, the kiddos or the phone. Anything that is a rival to her, must be forsaken.

How did you make it thirty years? Because God is gracious and Jodi is godly. If I had to depend on her love for me alone, I would never have made it through my childish Army days. The greater question is how will we make it the next thirty and the thirty after that if the Lord gives us that many days. One day at a time, loving passionately and intentionally…and trying to give attention to these things.

Don’t Trust Your Eyes…Grab a Tape

by | Jun 19, 2018 | discipleship, pastor, Pastor's Reflections

It is funny to me how the simplest things in life are often the way the Lord chooses to remind me of profound truths. Moving into a new home means several things…including fatigue, lots of boxes shuffled from here to there, plenty of time unwrapping “stuff” and the hanging of the pictures.
One thing about hanging pictures…you learn quickly that your eyes are not calibrated like, for instance, a tape measure and a level. What “looks right” to me may be slightly or dramatically off…depending on my perspective.
For instance, the closer you are to the picture you’re hanging, the worse your perspective of the room is. You can’t really tell how the picture fits in the overall presentation of the room when you are holding it. Further, what looks like it is centered on a wall be way off when you step back a little…or better…when you measure it against the tape.
Just as our vision and perspective can be skewed when we are too close to a matter, our assessment of truth, morality, holiness, and righteous conduct can be skewed. We often look at ourselves with what researchers call a “halo effect.” In other words, we think more highly of ourselves than we ought (See Romans 12:2-3).  We cannot see our sin as clearly because we are in the midst of it. Others, however, may see it as they observe us because they are not so close to the sin to miss it. Still, this is not the best measure since every person’s perspective is a little tainted by our sin nature. The best measure…the Word of God and the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Before you declare your own righteousness, grab the tape (I mean the Bible). How so your love? Joy? Peace? Gentleness? (see Galatians 5). Who was the last person you shared the gospel with? ( See Mark 16:15). Who are you personally investing in as a disciple of Jesus? (Matthew 28:19-20). How is your soul condition? (See Jeremiah 17:9).
One thing I have experienced time and again when I trusted the Lord to pull a tape and measure my life: He is always faithful to give a true measure, to direct me which way I needed to move to come to center and to never be frustrated with me when I needed to start again.
Have a great day…and grab a tape!

Hold onto your WHY…

by | May 22, 2018 | church, discipleship, evangelism, Pastor's Reflections

Eighteen years ago, a pastor friend, Herb Flavell, gave me a “pro tip” for ministry. He as a dear brother to me…being one of the first pastors to entrust his pulpit to me and the first to allow me to baptize in his baptistry. Herb told me to write down the names in my Bible of each person God allowed me to win to Christ. “Whether through personal evangelism or through my preaching,” he said, “write down everyone. When the devil starts giving you a fit one day…telling you that God can’t use you, just read the names back to him and watch him run.”

I did that for years. Then it was videos of baptism testimonies. Whatever the form…everyone needs to remember why they get out of bed in the morning and “do the work.” Now I know that man doesn’t save anyone…but God chooses through the preaching of the gospel to save those who believe (1 Cor 1:21, 15:1-2).

Resistance and spiritual warfare are non-negotiable. Victory over them is. If you don’t know your WHY, you’ll likely give up on the WHAT of your life and resign to some mere existence while you wait to die.

Victor Frankl, author of the renowned book, Man’s Search for Meaning, was a Jewish Professor of Neurology and Psychiatry. Frankl was imprisoned in Nazi concentration camps during WW II. He made the observation during the terrible atrocities of the camps…that man can endure nearly any “how” of life, as long as he has a “why.”

Perhaps we would do well to stop talking about WHAT we are doing, or HOW we are doing it and focus on explaining WHY we do what we do.

What is your WHY? Why do you work? Why do you go to church? Why do you serve, or give, or go?

Through the years, Pastor Herb’s “pro tip” has been used by the Lord to carry me through some dark periods. Why? Because the WHY is worth holding onto…

Pivotal Moments

by | May 16, 2018 | discipleship, evangelism, Leadership, missional, pastor

It is graduation season. It is an anxious time for many as seasons of life change. It is also a critical time for those who minister.

I have told several people the past few weeks that, statistically speaking, our church’s most effective outreach (if you measure success by connecting people into a long-term discipleship relationship IN THE CHURCH) has traditionally been our hosting of baccalaureate services for two local high schools. Every year (for the last nine years or so) we have several hundred people come to the church for a one-hour program as I share a message of encouragement to students making the transition away from high school. Invariably, over the next 1-3 years, one or two of those families will connect with the church. When I ask them how they came to visit our church, they tell me that they came to a baccalaureate service and enjoyed it.

Why is this service to the community so valuable? I think it is because of Pivotal Moments.

In John 4, Jesus spoke to a woman of Samaria who was the “talk of the town.” She had been married five times and now was living with another man. The gossip circles were so busy about her…that she didn’t even come to the well until the most brutal part of the day…long after all the other women had come and gone. She’d rather face the heat than their judgmental looks and deafening whispers. One day, she came and met Jesus who was waiting. He connected the story of God’s love and man’s purpose to her circumstances at a pivotal moment. She was ready. She wasn’t expecting a sermon or even to converse with anyone…much less someone claiming to have access to living water and who knew her reputation but talked with her anyway. Pivotal Moments.

Or there was the time when Pastor Timothy was frustrated and wrestling with his faith. Ministry had seemed to take its toll and his spiritual mentor…the Apostle Paul…spoke into his circumstance (2 Timothy 1) by way of a letter, encouraging him to remember who he was, where he had come from, and how God had called him. Pivotal Moments.

These two examples (along with dozens more if time permitted) remind us that God prepares hearts through pivotal moments to receive truth. Wise disciples are on the lookout for these moments because they are solid gold.

LAST STORY: Yesterday, I was running on a tight schedule between meetings and stopped by a shop to drop off a couple items. I didn’t have time to be there but was very intentional to fit the drop by in. While inside, a woman asked me to follow her to the back of the shop. When I did, she shared with me that her mom (a Christian) died six months ago and that she was vexed in her heart on how the resurrection worked. She didn’t want to talk out front because her co-workers were not believers. Pivotal Moments. So, we spent 10 minutes talking about what the Scriptures teach about death, the Resurrection, and why we can have hope of reunion if we follow Christ. [I had never met this woman before…but I recognized a pivotal moment had presented itself].

Friend, if you are a follower of Christ, He created you for such moments as these. This woman assumed that I must be spiritual since I was wearing a shirt with the church name. (I’m not sure I ever told her I was the pastor). Parents and students at baccalaureate services are tender for God’s wisdom at this transition in seasons. That woman whose husband has distanced himself, the man who is struggling to put food on the table, and the young lady in the hospital are all tender…and God placed you there to speak truth at a Pivotal Moment. Don’t miss it. Make the most of the opportunity. Pray for the opportunity. Serve during the opportunity. Represent Him.

Grace and Peace.

Courage required!

by | May 2, 2018 | Devotions, discipleship, Faith, Leadership

A man goes to the doctor and is accompanied by his wife. They are escorted to the exam room and await the doctor’s arrival. When she comes in, the doctor promptly asks, “What would you like me to say to you today? What diagnosis do you want me to declare and prescribe a remedy for?” The man and his wife are dumbfounded…because what they wanted was an examination and for the doctor to tell them what was actually wrong and simply to treat that condition.

Honestly, the story is fictional and outlandishly so…because who would ever go to a doctor demanding that the doctor simply parrot the patient’s self-diagnosis? Only a fool.

In my time with the Lord today, I re-read the story of Ahab’s demise (1 Kings 22). This verse stood out:

“But Jehoshaphat said, ‘Is there not yet a prophet of the Lord here that we may inquire of him?’ [Ahab] The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat. ‘There is yet one man by whom we may inquire of the Lord, but I hate him, because he does not prophesy good concerning me, but evil…’ ” 1 Kings 22:7-8.

Of course, the verse pointed me forward to the counsel of Paul to pastor Timothy:

1I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom:

2preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction.

3For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires,

4and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths.

5But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

2 Timothy 4:1–5 (NASB95)

The fact is…the man of God is commanded and charged to speak for God and for God alone. If you read all of 1Kings 22, you see that Micaiah’s prophesy was indeed one of defeat for Ahab. It was also contrary to the 400 other assembled prophet’s statements. God graciously revealed through Micaiah to Ahab how this could be so…but the desire was for a pleasant word that uplifted the king…not necessarily the truth and particularly not if that truth was not in the king’s favor! Micaiah was imprisoned on bread and water for his services. The king committed him there as a way of manipulating him to change his tone:

“…Thus says the king, ‘Put this man in prison and feed him sparingly with bread and water until I return safely.’ “ 1 Kings 22:27.

Micaiah the prophet was not persuaded and responded in this manner:

“Micaiah said, ‘If you indeed return safely the Lord has not spoken through me.’ “ 1 Kings 22:28.

People make decisions about the church they will attend and the pastor they will listen to. They make decisions for various reasons. Some, like Ahab, want only to hear good spoken toward them. These are like the fools seeking a doctor to prescribe according to the patient’s instructions. Others, desire truth. They want it straight, even (and especially) if it hurts and prompts them to change. Regardless of the people’s desires…the man of God has but one command: “preach the word,” (2 Tim 4:2) and be willing to cling to it even in prison.

Today, even amidst cultural pressures to be silent or be approving when it comes to sin and faithless conduct…PREACH THE WORD! Be faithful to the One who has faithfully placed the truth within you and love others enough to simply speak truth.

When pastors leave…

by | Apr 24, 2018 | discipleship, Leadership, pastor, Uncategorized

It was devastating…or at least felt like it to some. Pastor Michael announced his resignation and within a few weeks, was gone. Lots of tears were shed and conversations over coffee, across desks, or in the hallways took place. At the root… “What does it mean when a pastor leaves?”

For good or bad, my worldview on this was shaped early on in my days in the military. P.C.S. (Permanent Change of Station) orders were cause for rejoicing or regret. Soldiers, back then, rarely stayed at a station more than three years or so. That is barely time to make solid friendships or get involved in a community. Even church was difficult since everyone already there knew you would be gone soon, so friendships rarely went very deep. When orders came though…they were accepted. After all…they were orders.

Ministry works the same way. Every pastor works ultimately for Jesus. For that matter…every believer works for Jesus! Any pastor worthy of the calling is quick to salute when orders are received. It still makes the transition tough…but orders are…well…orders.

So, thinking on this today in light of the upcoming change of assignment for Jodi and me, here are seven things that a pastor’s leaving IS or IS NOT:

  • A pastor’s leaving IS NOT a statement that he doesn’t love you. He does love you with the love of Jesus. Imperfectly at times but the love of Christ nonetheless.
  • A pastor’s leaving IS NOT evidence that the congregation did something wrong.
  • A pastor’s leaving IS NOT evidence that he is “chasing success.”
  • A pastor’s leaving IS NOT a reason to also leave. There are times to leave a church, but this, in itself, IS NOT one of those times.
  • A pastor’s leaving IS difficult on him because he has built friendships and relationships with people. He has earned (in many cases) the credibility to lead the people. When he leaves…he starts over at a new place with new people. It is, of course difficult on others in the congregation as well.
  • A pastor’s leaving IS difficult on his family. Friendships (which are premium in a ministry context) change and new friends must be sought.
  • A pastor’s leaving IS an opportunity to rise up and lead. New leadership surfaces in the absence of other leaders. It is a chance for others to grow spiritually and practically in ministry. It is an opportunity to revisit the church’s core values and re-vision those values to others.

So, as for me…my heart is sore these days because it will be more difficult to grab coffee with a friend across the miles; At the same time, there is excitement about the new adventure ahead and the opportunity to meet, serve, and lead others…all because…orders are orders.