I am certainly not the first to make the observation and perhaps not the most eloquent. However, the nature of the discussion is so vital to our times that we really must look at it again. What do we do with disagreements?
The question almost prevents us from uncovering helpful solutions. Every disagreement can have dozens of variables that prevent us from having a simple, straightforward formula of action. Even when we look at disagreements biblically, we find a discernment matrix more than an if/then formula. This is a problem for many in our current cultural climate. Somewhere along the way, we have lost the appetite for conversation and the art of disagreement. We have settled for soundbites, snapshots, and hot takes. All of these are catalysts of conflict rather than hallmarks of dialogue and refinement among friends.
As I have considered this subject in recent months, I have realized that a pathway forward may be tenuous and shifting, depending on the particular context. Disagreements vary based on the nature of the relationship, the significance of the matter at issue, and the degree to which the disagreement is publicly known. In each of these considerations, the Bible provides principles. I hope over the next couple of paragraphs, you will discover value, with me, in learning how to construct a matrix to aid in the art of disagreement. Finally, we will consider together when, in rare cases, it is appropriate to terminate the relationship.
As a pastor, I live in the church space. The Christian community is close to my heart. It is part of me, and I am part of it. So, I am particularly grieved when communities of believers are at odds. In fact, it is rare that more than a few weeks go by without someone asking me (in one form or another), “Should I leave my church over this?”
Here is a helpful set of questions to guide us.
Is the issue situational, relational or doctrinal?
What we want to understand here is whether this issue, however frustrating, is a one-time event (situational) or part of a recurring pattern indicating a deeper systemic problem. For example, I was once passed over for consideration as a deacon (long before I was ordained as a pastor). That hurt. I was actively serving in various areas of the church, financially supporting the mission, and backing the leadership. Yet, when the votes were tallied, I wasn’t on the list. Ironically, the fact that I’m bringing this up now shows I wasn’t ready then… because I had too much of myself in focus. If I had confronted the leaders or decided to uproot my family and leave the church over feeling slighted, I would have missed out on many good things that followed. Not to mention the lessons the Lord taught me through that disappointment. Sometimes God places us in uncomfortable situations to crush sin in our lives or to build resolve in our stance. You don’t have to dismiss situational concerns, but you certainly shouldn’t be enslaved by them.
In cases of relational problems, the Bible is very clear. Matthew chapters five and eighteen both guide believers to resolve relational conflicts. When there are issues, someone must take responsibility to address them and find a solution. Unity within the family of God is a gift, but it requires vigilance to maintain. Honestly, not everyone is willing to work through difficult situations. At least give it your best effort, and then try again. We want to be able to say with the Apostle Paul, “If possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18).
What about doctrinal issues? The answer is, it depends. Is the doctrine primary, secondary, or tertiary? A gospel issue or a distinctive of fellowship would require a more stringent response than a tertiary or preferential matter. For instance, I would never tell someone to break fellowship over a Bible translation or a style of music. Those are clearly preferential matters (unless your church believes in only conducting services in the original biblical language—Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic). [And please don’t send me a note on why you think the KJV is somehow doubly inspired and everything else is a hot mess. I disagree, but we can be friends if you’d like. It will not be a problem for me.]
Some issues are not central doctrines but still are important to our fellowship. My Methodist friends baptize by sprinkling and do not hold to a view of eternal security that I believe the Bible teaches. I love my Methodist friends, but I cannot join them in formal Christian community when we disagree on secondary but essential matters of doctrine related to identity and community. It would be wrong for me to affirm that doctrine by joining that community, and it would be just as wrong to join and seek to cause disagreement or sway others to my view. I may try to win folks over with a cup of coffee between us, but it is not ethical to enter that community just to try to change it. Please, don’t hear more than I am saying. I do not believe for a second that this applies in mission work, for instance. By definition, missionaries live cross-culturally and aim to influence the beliefs of their neighbors. This is different from a confessional Christian community—the church.
With disagreements on primary doctrines, there is little room for ongoing fellowship. If the issue concerns whether Jesus is the only way of salvation, the preferred way, or the most recent way…we have no room for disagreement. On gospel matters, complete agreement is necessary to experience unity.
In both of the latter matters, however, there may be a step that needs to occur before leaving. Based on the biblical relationship, God’s Word teaches us that we should address the matter directly with the involved parties. Let me give a goofy example that totally fabricated.
Jodi and I recently joined a church in our community. We attended the new members class and interviewed with the pastors. We discussed what we observed and reviewed our doctrinal affirmations as a church. Nothing was disagreeable. However, imagine that next week, one of our pastors claimed that we should handle snakes by faith, asserting that they cannot hurt us as followers of Jesus? Or imagine that our pastors required all leaders to practice glossolalia (speaking in tongues) as a sign of confirmation based on their new reading of the book of Acts. I can assure you that my relationship with snakes is such that if you see me picking one up, you should interpret it as a cry for help or a sign that I am being held captive. As for speaking in tongues, while I do not forbid it in church (1 Corinthians 14:27-28, 39-40), I have never practiced it. The Bible considers it a responsive act to a specific prophetic revelation from God if it occurs as a sign, and then with fairly detailed circumstances surrounding it (like a sign for unbelievers present and interpreters when it happens publicly). Yes, some of my more charismatic friends smile when I talk this way, but I believe we are still friends.
If my pastors announced that this was going to be new doctrine our church would affirm, I could not stay in the church. However, before deciding to leave, I would have a conversation and seek understanding. I need to understand my pastor’s reasoning as well as he does. I need to know what prompted the change in views and whether the entire church will accept this new emphasis on snake-handling and speaking in tongues. I plan to try to make my case privately with my pastors and, prayerfully, we will seek the Lord’s guidance together. Is this a new thing the Lord is doing? If so, can we agree on it? What’s certain is that I am not meant to leave quietly without speaking up. Wait. What? Chris, are you saying that you have to make a fuss as you leave? Of course not. But if I plan to leave my church family, I am not going to make up a story about “God just moving us along.” I will need to speak with grace and humility, but I also have to admit that the doctrinal direction of my church seems to be shifting toward a new and biblically unsupported stance. That last part is key.
We should never leave our family over preferences. Period. We should never go over doctrinal (primary or secondary) without a humble and grace-filled conversation and a genuine attempt to come to unity on the matter. Our objective must be agreement and that will necessarily require movement of the part of one or both parties.
One biblical reason will be sufficient to make the point.
Acts 18:24–28 (NASB95)
24Now a Jew named Apollos, an Alexandrian by birth, an eloquent man, came to Ephesus; and he was mighty in the Scriptures.
25This man had been instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in spirit, he was speaking and teaching accurately the things concerning Jesus, being acquainted only with the baptism of John;
26and he began to speak out boldly in the synagogue. But when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately.
27And when he wanted to go across to Achaia, the brethren encouraged him and wrote to the disciples to welcome him; and when he had arrived, he greatly helped those who had believed through grace,
28for he powerfully refuted the Jews in public, demonstrating by the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ.
In this case, a powerful evangelist and gospel communicator, a preacher named Apollos, was preaching an incomplete version of the gospel. He was doing the best he could with what he knew. Priscilla and Aquila recognized the mistake in his preaching and spoke with him, helping him see a clearer understanding of the doctrine. Apollos learned the gospel more accurately and began to preach a better message. He did this because a couple was willing to engage him in a conversation about a different understanding of the gospel. As a result, Apollos’ ministry continued to grow, and God used him in even more powerful ways… because a couple was willing to have that conversation.
What if they had simply ignored it? What if they had moved on to Second Baptist Church of Ephesus and said that the Lord “dried up their brook” at First Baptist? Apollos would have kept teaching an “almost” gospel, and the Kingdom’s progress would have suffered.
So, here is the deal: Conflict is uncomfortable. It is also biblical and necessary. One day, we will all be in heaven and see things clearly. There will not be one disagreement in heaven. Until then, we must operate with humility and be willing to engage in conversations that lead toward restoration and unity, which result in our being made holy. That’s true in the church. It is true in marriage. It is true among believers at large (though to a lesser degree, based on the nature of the relationship).
This last part is huge. In fact, it is the most important part of this entire article. Our relationship with Christ requires certain things from us, and our relationship with others drives us to work practically toward unity, reconciliation, and conformity to the image of Christ.
Can we change the world and, with the waving of a wand, return the entire culture to the art of conversation and disagreement? Probably not. What we can do, however, is embrace this ourselves and seek to spread it in the corner of the planet for which we are responsible. This is biblically faithful, relationally practical, and God-honoring. It is also one of the keys to experiencing a better existence in our time in this world.
After Israel’s most beloved king, David, slept with Uriah’s wife and killed him to hide the adultery, David confessed before the Lord in Psalm 51, “Against you alone have I sinned.” There seems to be a potentially long list of offended parties, but before the Lord, David takes ownership of the sin as being against the God of heaven alone.
If we let that simmer in the background, notice these verses from my devotional reading this week with me. Joseph is a slave working in the household of one of Egypt’s rich and powerful leaders. The man’s wife hit on Joseph, who was apparently quite handsome, but he repeatedly rebuffed her advances. At one such encounter, she really poured on the intensity, and this is how Joseph handled it:
8But he refused and said to his master’s wife, “Behold, with me here, my master does not concern himself with anything in the house, and he has put all that he owns in my charge.
9“There is no one greater in this house than I, and he has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do this great evil and sin against God?”
Genesis 39:8–9 (NASB95)
While there may be a dozen possible lessons, I want to focus on the last phrase and draw a few applications.
First, Joseph did not choose to view his assignment (in enslavement) as an interruption of God’s plan for his life but as a fulfillment of it. Admittedly, I would struggle to see enslavement as a sacred assignment from God.
Second, Joseph’s master had entrusted great responsibility to him, but Joseph ultimately saw that trust as being from God. How often do we think this way? This great (or dead-end) job is a divine assignment from the Lord. This staff is an assignment from the Lord. This community is an assignment from the Lord.
Third, Joseph’s actions at his work were inextricably linked to his worship of God. “I really want to tell that customer what I think!” is a response of worship…but likely not the one we would say we wanted to portray. That employee coaching sessions and difficult decisions… are all reflections of obedience to the God who divinely assigns.
Fourth, as a man and a leader, Joseph operated according to a specific moral compass beyond his own wisdom. There are countless examples of what people may call “situational ethics” in the workplace. Stealing is wrong, but not in every case. Hard work is right but not required in every instance. Integrity is a quid pro quo arrangement owed to someone worthy of integrity…and that someone is always the Lord, not the person we are dealing with.
What might the world, our workplace, and our worship space look like if we approached our every decision as directly responsive to and accountable before God? What if every assignment were seen as divinely orchestrated? What if our actions and reactions were viewed as those of an ambassador rather than an autonomous actor?
Two things that decades of senior leadership have taught me: First, I have not gotten it right nearly enough. As a leader, I have sometimes been impetuous, self-absorbed, and focused on the wrong measures of success. Second, God has never given up on me. Sure, others have. Some others have seen an opportunity for a quick fix (like Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery or those who profited from Joseph’s gift and life). Yet, God has always been faithful, and some of the most significant and impactful lessons have been learned in the dry cisterns of the wilderness, the oppressive environments of Egypt’s jails, or at the receiving end of false accusers who didn’t get their way and acted emotionally in their accusations. Sometimes, the refining fire of God cannot be experienced well except in the most difficult of circumstances. That’s where God forges leaders. Leaders who God uses to provide for His people as well as those who contributed to the leader’s suffering. So, leader…if you’re suffering, know that God can work in it, has assigned you to it, and will walk you through it…. for “What man intends for evil, the Lord uses for good.” (Genesis 45:5-8, Genesis 50:20.)
But just as you abound in everything, in faith and utterance and knowledge and in all earnestness and in the love we inspired in you, see that you abound in this gracious work also. 2 Corinthians 8:7 (NASB95)
This sixth resolve is not new to me; however, I think it is important to recommit periodically. It is not enough, spiritually speaking, to do the right thing; rather, we are called to do the right thing with the right motivation. My personality lends itself toward order. Routines and disciplines give order to my life. However, that order can become legalistic or thoughtless adherence without much effort at all. It can become comfortable, or at least more comfortable than change.
One of the commitments that Jodi and I made years ago was to live a lifestyle that facilitated living generously. We could live in a bigger home or drive nicer vehicles, but we prioritize being generous and adjust our lifestyles accordingly. I am resolved to be more generous in 2025 than before, so I can live more dependently on grace than ever.
Below is an article I published in 2021 on this site about generosity. I hope it connects the dots and is an encouragement to you.
How does God demonstrate grace to you? Grace, or undeserved favor, is something we talk about often in the church, but do we understand it? We know that we are saved by grace (Eph 2:8), and we, along with the entire universe, are sustained by grace (Heb 1:3), but do we recognize God’s grace in our sanctification/growth?
As Paul writes to the Corinthian church, he challenges them to experience their growth in God’s grace through generosity. He begins chapter 8 by commending (bragging on) the Macedonian churches that were an example both of generosity but also of God’s favor (vv.1-5). He then commends the Corinthians for their growth in grace in faith, knowledge, proclamation, zealous perseverance, and in love. (Yes, this is the same church that he spent so much time correcting for messiness in their midst as well.)
Notice how v.7 ends: “that you may abound in this gracious work also.” We know that they were then abounding in the five things he just mentioned: faith, knowledge, proclamation, zealous perseverance, and love. We also know that this is only possible because of God’s kindness toward them (grace) as He grew them in these areas. Paul knew that God was graciously working in them to grow them in the area of generosity as well. This church made a commitment at some point in the past (vv.10-11), and now Paul was urging them to see it through. As with the Macedonians, Paul charged this church to remember their commitment to God first and then to the needs of the saints by God’s grace.
Here is where the wheels fall off for some. Sometimes, we view God’s work in our lives as Him desiring to get something from us, as if He were lacking and we were going to provide for His need. In actuality, as Paul expresses here, God is seeking to do something in this church (the people) and did not want them to miss it. They could only experience God’s blessing in this area as they yielded to His gracious calling on their lives. This is why Paul focuses not on the activity of giving, but on their desire to give (vv. 10, 12). Paul saw the opportunity to join God in providing for the saints in another place as God’s gracious work in the lives of the Corinthians.
Have you ever lacked fulfillment? Have you ever desired to be part of something greater than yourself? Have you ever wanted to see God move powerfully in your midst? Could the answer to these desires be as close as simply trusting His gracious work in an area of life that has been difficult to fully surrender to Him? If so, the answer, and the pathway to abundant life (John 10:10) is in a renewed commitment (both desire and action) to His gracious work. Let’s choose to never miss God’s blessings because we did not recognize His gracious work.
Priorities communicate something. We make time for the things that are most important to us. Some years ago, a mentor of mine asked me about my golf game. I told him I wanted to but didn’t have time. He made a statement I will never forget: “Chris, Golf, to me, is like your quiet time. If you really want to do it, you will.”
This article is an update to one I published in 2020. The bones are the same as they were back then. I hope it helps.
It. Never. Fails. Someone has a better idea. Their “philosophy” is better than mine. Often times though, particularly in our social media world, people with better philosophies have just that: a philosophy. There is no action. No change. Just an idea.
Not long back, I was listening to a guy tell me his philosophy of evangelism. He shared some trendy new perspectives that would make any old evangelism professor cringe. It was the BEST…according to this guy. Then…the telling question (or at least my “Dr. Phil” version of it): “How’s that working for you?” The silence was deafening.
I have resolved to commit afresh to the discipline of personal worship with the Lord. Some call this “quiet time” but I prefer to think of it as a personal (not private) worship opportunity I avail myself of daily.
My day generally begins around 5:10 AM. That’s when the coffee finishes brewing.
Coffee. Obviously, this is important, or the Book of Hebrews wouldn’t be there. [Think about it].
Prayer. 2-5 mins. This is more about me talking to God. “Lord, help me to see and hear from you today. Give me wisdom and clarity. Speak to me. Give me the courage to accept You and Your Word as you speak.”
I read 4-5 devotionals first. 5-8 mins. (Chambers, Piper, Blackaby, Begg, and some short-term devotional on varied topics throughout the year. Topics like manhood, leadership, marriage, prayer, praise, etc.) These devotionals seem to prime my thinking and the part of my brain that applies truth.
Bible Reading Plan. 10-15 mins. I read from a structured annual Bible Reading Plan. (This Year’s is “The Navigator’s Book-at-a-time” Reading Plan, available on the YouVersion Bible App. While reading, I underline, highlight, and write notes in the margin if my mind is carried to a place.
Take Note- This is not a deep dive reading process of cross-references or word studies. It is the Scripture at a 5,000-foot level. I am looking for big-picture themes and verses that catch my attention.
[Also, I try to read in a different translation every year to keep it fresh. This year is the NASB95].
I journal (as led) and pray things that God brings to mind. 5-15 mins. A lot of my journaling is archived here on this site. I also have many notes in my Evernote App that are too seminal to share on this site, or that God is working on me with. My journal notes could also be a prompt for deeper study. That is the bulk of my journaling. As for prayer, this part is about reflecting and listening.
Extra-biblical reading. (10-20 mins) I read the news highlights and interesting articles in Baptist Press. I may read articles from favorite theologians, academics, preachers, and some entertaining weirdos [smile]. I may also select readings from different-minded publications (I’d put the Huffington Post and half my X feed in here).
A couple of considerations:
I try not to hurry. As you can see, I average around 40-60 mins. My deadline is 6am, so I can get a workout in before leaving for the office.
This is a morning discipline for me. I find my mind is sharpest in the morning, so this is my early routine.
I don’t have the “extra hour” either.Yep, someone was thinking it. I’d do that but I don’t have time in the morning! Well, neither did I. So, I changed my other routines. I go to bed earlier than most and skip a lot of late television.
This works for ME. Remember, this is not my philosophy but my activity. It may not work for you. It may be too long, or too early, or too “anything.” Don’t mimic what I do because I do it. Do what works for you, but DO IT in a disciplined manner.
Two quick cautions:
Don’t set the bar too low. I know some guys tell me that they do their Bible while driving in the morning. I listen to audible books and podcasts too, but this time of devotional discipline is DEVOTED (see what I did there) to the Lord. It is His time. I even have a favorite place to do it. Even if it were 15 minutes a day devoted to Him…might it be worth it to focus on Him rather than the person who almost ran you off the road texting? [smile]
Don’t get discouraged. If you set a lofty goal and can’t hang with it, adjust it. Shrink it to what you CAN do. Build from there if you find it necessary. That’s what I did.
The natural life is one of self-service. The supernatural life is one of serving others. Jesus said-
Mark 10:45 (NASB95)
45“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
No one faults another person for working hard, being focused, exhibiting drive, or winning. All of these are good things. They are, I would argue, proper forms of worship when sourced in the right motivation. After all, all of life is worship and, therefore, is worthy of our very best efforts to the glory of God.
Zig Ziglar once said- “You can have everything in life you want if you help other people get what they want.” While this statement is certainly not inspired in the same way as the Scriptures, it speaks to the relationship between serving others and experiencing true joy.
What I am advocating here is both attitude and action. Let’s choose to focus on the success of others and then work to make that a reality. Let’s esteem the success of others and help them reach the summit. Truthfully, doing so can propel us to our own success…or as I am implying with this resolve, helping them succeed IS our success. Any reward we experience beyond that will be due to the grace of God.
Recent Comments