Happy Valentine’s Day! To many, this is a Hallmark holiday…a great opportunity to sell greeting cards and to clear out inventories of stuffed animals, flowers, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. For others, it is a day of pressure…pressure to get everything right. Face it…dating can involve a certain degree of pressure. Still, for others, Valentine’s Day is one more opportunity to simply express our undying devotion to the love of our lives.
Reflecting a bit on the occasion, I began to reminisce on how Valentine’s Day has shifted for me over the years and then consider the implication of that shift on the greatest of all love relationships.
In elementary school, Valentine’s Day was a class party day. Prior to the mid-February observance, teachers would distribute a list of names for all of the children in the class. Then mom would run to the store, purchase a box of colorful cards and we would write down names on each card and each envelope so that everyone received a gift.
As I got older, the list shrunk…significantly. While I don’t recall ever doing so, it is possible that the list of Valentine’s greetings dropped to only a couple of closer friends…in hopes that maybe one of them would be my valentine for the day. (I imagine this to be the era of passing notes that said, “Do you like me? Check YES or NO.”)
Once I found my Valentine (who has been so for more than thirty-five years now) the audience shrunk to one. She is it. Period. It even feels weird to wish others a happy Valentine’s day. I only have one…and while I have many names for her, Jodi is the one and only love for me.
Thinking of this today, I realized that there is an analogy as well for the Lord and His church. When we are “dating” God…He is a good option for the object of our faith. Still, though, there are other kids in the class. There is self-effort. There is personal commitment. There is that god that my neighbor relates to. We are familiar with all of these, perhaps like one better than the other, but we want to keep our options open; so, we give valentine cards to all of them. As we come to mature a bit, it becomes clear that a God is not an option for a prom date or a Valentine’s dinner. We either lock in on our devotion, or He simply moves aside. He never shares the throne room of our hearts with anyone else.
Often, this approach reveals itself in our relationship with our church community as well. We like to date several communities. We have one community for worship, another community for bible-study down the street, and a third community where our kids’ friends go. Each of these communities offers us something, and we like them, but none of them possess our whole heart.
Should they? Does God really expect that we would be committed to One God, one church, and one person for our lives?
I would argue…YES. I would do so because there is an inherent benefit to both parties in a relationship. Yes, I may really like my group of friends that I meet for weekly bible study, but I don’t really do life with them. I do bible-study. For my corporate worship, I am dating another church. I support another church financially and, when I want to chill out in shorts and flops during the summer, I have a relationship with the online church or the group that meets nearby. In each of these cases, my good intentions seem helpful to me…but they still fall a bit short of the design of relationship…where there is a strong MUTUAL benefit.
Time will tell but the trends are already tipping this direction: Our “dating” practice is actually shaping an eroding foundation of commitment in the generation we are discipling. Yep. Our kids are learning that dating is superior to devotion. Why have one committed relationship when we can pick and choose the elements from several communities and form what we think is best for us?
If our daughter announced to us this approach as her new plan for personal relationships, we would be appalled. If our spouse exercised this approach for emotional and physical intimacy, we would be destroyed; yet, this is what we model for our most intimate of relationships…the eternal one!
Perhaps the erosion of faith convictions that we readily point out around us has less to do with external pressures and far more to do with loosely held commitments to spiritual monogamy.
Certainly, some hold in their heart a sense of wander. (Yes, wander, not wonder). There is a nagging sense that they may be missing out on the BEST by settling for what they presently POSSESS. Personally, I understand. I have seen this a lot through the years; however, the sense of wander has far less to do with what we might be missing and far more with what we are investing. See, spiritual monogamy (what I will prefer to call DEVOTION) is not boring or lacking. It is, at times, however, uncultivated. My satisfaction in relationships with my wife, my church, and my God have only grown exponentially since becoming EXCLUSIVE with them. That satisfaction has as much to do with what I bring to the relationship as it does with what I experience from the relationship.
How can we cultivate devotion in these three spheres?
Three words express the HOW To that is common with all three spheres: our mate, our church, and our God.
- COMMUNION. There is no substitute for intimacy and there is no pathway to intimacy apart from investing time. There must be vulnerability and transparency, and these only come as we learn to trust over time. Over the years I have seen this in my marriage, in the marriages that Jodi and I have invested in helping others, with church relationships, and with God. There is something that grows sweeter and deeper as we determine to get real, stay long, and risk hurt.
- CONFESSION. In marriage, in church community, and with God…no one is perfect. We are failed creatures. We will say the wrong thing, neglect the important things, react wrongly, attack maliciously, and, at times, seek self preeminently. WHEN (not if) we do, the only cure is confession. Such occasions require our admission of failure, acknowledgment of the costs borne by others, and the pursuit of restoration. What NEVER WORKS, is to simply forget or to choose to start over. If the grass is greener somewhere else, there is simply a septic drain field underground nearby.
- COMMITMENT. Neither of the previous two observations are possible without this final and all-important one. My wife would never have had the resolve to stick with my foolishness through the years without the commitment of June 25, 1988. On that day two kids pledged to actively love one another until death. We did not fully know the implications but we were committed to it and determined to figure it out as we went. The same is true with our relationship with God. He proposed…not with a ring but with a bloody cross (Romans 5:8). He invited us to commit and discover all that this new commitment implied in the context of an eternal relationship. Finally, the same is true of the church. Yep…the church. The Christian faith is a communal faith. We commit to community before we realize all of the faults and failures of everyone in the community. (Consequently, we do so before we disclose all of our stuff too). The commitment is made to one another and then we work out the implications together.
Well, Chris, I think I need to know more before I can make a commitment like that. Sure, I hear you. However, except for the finished work of Christ, there are no guarantees that you can perfectly “weigh out” the decision on. You won’t know who your spouse is until long after you marry him or her. In fact, if truth be told, you and your spouse won’t become who you are to be apart from the mutual influence and benefit of one another in your lives. Same with the church. And in some respects, the same with God. Yes, He is unchanging but you will change and in so doing, will come to recognize, appreciate, and love Him more deeply, passionately, intentionally, willfully, and fully as the years progress. None of this is even remotely possible in the dating zone.
So, stop dating and get devoted. Lock-in. Put a ring on it. Go exclusive and build something amazing…together.
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